Shy and Introverted?
- Izabella Rehák
- Apr 8
- 5 min read
Introverts are often labeled as shy. And guess what? There are some similarities between shyness and introversion, yet it is not the same and not all introverts are shy, also not all shy people are introverts. Nevertheless, shyness is something a lot of introverts struggle with: perhaps it’s a label you hear others say about you, perhaps it is you blushing every time you need to speak in front of strangers, perhaps you naturally crunch your shoulders and avoid eye contact in meetings with your supervisor, or perhaps you find it difficult to engage in a conversation with people at a social gathering. It is worthwhile to understand how shyness and introversion may work together creating a reserved character and what are the ways to embrace our personality to live a more fulfilled life.
Introversion vs. Shyness
Introversion is a personality trait whereby people generally feel more comfortable and energized by spending time alone or in smaller, quieter settings. Introverts tend to focus on their inner thoughts and feelings rather than seeking external stimulation.
Shyness is also considered a personality trait that involves a tendency to demonstrate heightened self-consciousness and negative or critical self-evaluation.
Society tends to value extroversion, leading to labeling shyness and introversion as a deficiency. But none is a character flaw or a disease. Introversion and shyness being a personality trait, they both have their unique strengths and natural pitfalls. There are also similarities when it comes to the strengths of an introverted or shy personality: thoughtfulness, careful decision-making, deep observation skills, empathy and the ability to form meaningful, lasting relationships.
Challenges of a shy, introverted individual
Just as any personality type, a shy and introverted individual may find themselves in typical challenges. Let's look at those:
Heightened self-consciousness: Both shyness and introversion generally comes along with the tendency to reflect more on one's behavior – a heightened self-consciousness. This means we constantly monitor ourselves on a subconscious level: how we talk, what we say, are we looking good while eating with a group, are we doing too little or too much of something, do we blend in, etc. In any social situation, part of our brain is occupied by the self-monitoring, which reduces our capacity to be fully present in the moment.
Fear of embarrassment: Self-consciousness often leads to a generic fear of embarrassment – being afraid of doing or saying something that is not appropriate, resulting in being laughed at.
Fear of judgement: Besides the fear of embarrassing ourselves, we are very conscious of others judging us. It is this feeling of 'I'm not … enough and people notice it', e.g. I'm not knowledgeable enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not smart enough.
Overthinking: Introverts tend to reflect a lot and keep their heads running on repeat about matters and worries. Paired with self-consciousness, we can get stuck on negative self-talk, on looking for confirmation of judgement or embarrassment. It keeps spiraling in our minds until becoming blown out of proportion and narrowing our perception to only looking for things that confirm our theory and completely ignore any situation that proves otherwise. As you realized by now, this is a vicious circle that keep dragging us further down.
Struggle in social interactions: All these mental processes result in a very visible behavior: we end up struggling in social situation. We find it hard to approach strangers at a networking event, small talk with colleagues, or speak up publicly. We feel paralyzed and limit interactions to ones that are perceived safe by us. We often avoid the spotlight or get overly nervous when we have to speak up: heart pounding, face becoming red, forgetting what we wanted to say, and there it is: we feel we embarrassed ourselves in front of many people and now they think we are stupid. So the next time around, we are even more nervous and struggle even more.
Avoidance of social interaction: Or even worse outcome than struggling the next time: we avoid all of it. We end up retrieving, minimizing the chances of these negative experiences and emotions, which may lead to limiting ourselves and closing up completely.
Ending up being perceived negatively: As we end up being overly conscious in social situations, only say what we are 100% sure of, we can come across as rigid, reserved, unfriendly, uninterested or self-absorbed. By avoiding certain situations, sadly, it ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the more we retrieve the more we give the impression that indeed we are not enough.
Slower career progression: Combination of shyness and introversion can also manifest in not being seen for our contributions at work and being overlooked when it comes to promotion or interesting work assignments.
Leading a successful Shy and Introverted life
I can assure you, one can lead a happy and healthy introverted and shy life. Here's how:
Self-acceptance: Start with embracing who you are, explore your personality traits, your strengths, and keep praising yourself for them. You are a unique and worthy individual that has a lot to offer. Trust yourself.
Learn to shift focus: In social situations change your focus from yourself to the other people. The more you engage in the conversation, the more your natural strengths (depth, empathy, deep connection) can surface and enable you to be present in the moment and make a meaningful contribution to the discussions. Meditation, reflection and imaginative exercises can help to strengthen your ability to be present in the moment.
Preparation: It certainly helps if you are a bit more prepared. Perhaps have some small talk topics at hand, find out a bit about who you will be meeting so it is easier to find common topics, practice the presentation that you want to give. It helps to feel more at ease and confident in these social situations.
Expose yourself: Try to explore and expose yourself to more of these situations, but in a manageable and step by step way. The more you expand your comfort zone, the easier it will get to deal with these situations in a rewarding way.
Coaching
As I stated earlier, neither introversion, nor shyness is a flaw or disease. Nevertheless, you may have some goals formulated to adapt better in social situations and manage your personality in an authentic, yet rewarding way. Coaching can help you to create more awareness and understanding of your personality and behavior, role play and practice situations and help you build social and emotional skills to cope with difficult situations. Feel free to reach out for a free introduction call to me if you are interested to pursue coaching.
References
Carducci, B. J. (2000). Shyness: A Bold New Approach. New York: Perigee Books.
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